You Will Always Have Both Mentors and Tormentors: Choose Wisely
The voices you allow into your life will determine the trajectory of your future. Every human being has both mentors and tormentors in their sphere of influence. Some build you up. Others break you down. Some see your potential and call it forth. Others see your weaknesses and exploit them. Your life will be shaped by which ones you choose to listen to.
I often tell my clients, “Show me the influencers in your life and I will tell you your future.” The people you allow to guide your thinking and shape your beliefs are the architects of the life you are building, whether you realize it or not. If you listen to the wrong voices, you will get the wrong outcomes. If you walk with the wise, you become wise. If you walk with the bitter, you will become bitter.
The Power of Choosing Your Counsel
There is a simple rule I live by: never take criticism from someone you would never go to for advice. Why would you allow the words of someone who has never walked your road, never paid your price, and never carried your burdens to have weight in your decision-making?
A mentor is not just a cheerleader. A true mentor is someone with the experience, wisdom, and integrity to guide you toward your potential. They see where you are, but they also see where you can be. They have the ability to challenge you without crushing you, to correct you without condemning you, and to inspire you without inflating your ego.
In contrast, a tormentor thrives on your hesitation and your insecurities. They may not always intend harm, but their presence in your mental space is corrosive. A tormentor’s words discourage, belittle, or distract you from your purpose. Sometimes their weapon is criticism. Sometimes it is sarcasm disguised as humor. Sometimes it is passive resistance. Whatever the form, the result is the same: they slow your progress and distort your vision.
Defining Mentors and Tormentors
A Mentor:
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Possesses proven expertise in the area you want to grow in
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Invests in you without a hidden agenda
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Balances encouragement with accountability
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Models the values and results you want in your own life
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Opens doors to opportunities through trust and relationship
A Tormentor:
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Sows seeds of doubt or fear, whether intentional or not
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Undermines your confidence in subtle or overt ways
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Distracts you with petty criticism or personal drama
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Models behavior and results that do not align with your goals
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Consumes your time, energy, and focus without producing growth
The distinction is clear: mentors help you build, tormentors drain your foundation.
The NFL and the Power of the “Positive Next”
I remember working with an elite NFL player who had all the talent in the world. He was fast, strong, and intelligent on the field. But he had one major challenge: when he made a mistake in a game, he could not let it go. One missed assignment, one dropped pass, and he would mentally replay it over and over in his head. The more he obsessed over it, the more his confidence dropped, and the more mistakes followed.
When I stepped in, I reminded him of a mindset I had learned from my own mentor, Tim Grover, the legendary coach to Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant. Tim told me a story of how Michael Jordan approached missed shots. If he took a shot and missed, he never hung his head or cursed under his breath. Instead, he would smile slightly and say to himself, “Just wait till the next one. It will be great.”
That is the power of what Tim calls the “Positive Next.” It is the discipline of immediately reframing a mistake into anticipation for the next opportunity. The power lies in what your internal voice says in the moments after failure.
I worked with this NFL player to ingrain that same mental program. Every time he made a mistake, he was to physically reset his body language, take a breath, and say out loud, “Next one is mine. Watch this.” We practiced it in drills. We rehearsed it in film study. We made it part of his personal code.
The transformation was dramatic. His performance became more consistent. His energy stayed high from kickoff to the final whistle. He stopped spiraling after mistakes and instead played with a confidence that lifted the entire team.
This is why teams from across the country bring me in to help them ingrain this kind of mental toughness into their culture. A mentor or a coach does not just give you advice. They install systems of thought that can change the way you play the game of life. The Positive Next is more than an athletic skill. It is a life skill. Business leaders, performers, and anyone pursuing excellence can benefit from it.
How to Choose Mentors Wisely
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Identify your destination. You cannot choose the right guide if you do not know where you are headed
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Evaluate their track record. Do they consistently live out the principles they teach? Do they have measurable results in the areas you value most?
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Test for alignment. Your mentor’s values must match your own
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Seek proven relationships. Mentorship is not just about knowledge transfer; it is about access, influence, and trust
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Be willing to be challenged. A real mentor will not let you stay comfortable. Growth requires stretching
Recognizing and Releasing Tormentors
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Pay attention to your energy. Do you feel inspired or drained after interacting with them?
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Watch for patterns. One-off criticism is not the same as a consistent stream of negativity
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Limit access. You do not have to cut every tormentor out of your life completely, but you must control how much influence they have over your decisions
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Guard your focus. Tormentors thrive when you give them your attention. Starve their impact by keeping your eyes on your vision
Your Future Depends on Who You Listen To
The quality of your life will rise or fall according to the voices you choose to follow. You cannot eliminate all tormentors, but you can choose not to be led by them. You cannot manufacture great mentors out of thin air, but you can intentionally seek them out, honor them, and allow their wisdom to shape you.
Choose wisely. The company you keep and the counsel you trust will either accelerate your destiny or sabotage it.
If you want to find your direction, sharpen your performance, and fill your life with the right voices, I can help. As a professional coach, I specialize in helping people identify and silence the tormentors while multiplying the influence of great mentors in every arena of life—business, relationships, and personal mastery.
Your mentors and tormentors are already in your life. The question is, who gets the microphone?