Why Men Run from Marriage and Fatherhood
By Dr. Keith M. Waggoner
The Crisis of Modern Manhood
Men today live inside a paradox. The world demands their strength, then shames them for having it. Men are told to lead but not to dominate, to protect but not to assert, to provide but not to expect gratitude. The message is clear: be strong, but only when we approve of it.
No wonder men are confused. No wonder they hesitate to marry or to father.
They look at the battlefield and see it is rigged. Divorce courts that strip them of their children. Media that mocks fathers as fools. Women who glorify freedom but still expect men to carry the weight.
Many women, shaped by modern culture, have lost touch with what once made them captivating. Beauty has been replaced by vanity. Strength has been replaced by control. Grace has been replaced by grievance. A growing number of women carry emotional damage, sexual history, and distrust from years of betrayal and disappointment. They demand safety from men they refuse to trust. They crave leadership from men they do not respect.
This is not all women, but it is enough to make men afraid. They see too many broken examples and conclude that covenant is suicide. They think marriage means submission to chaos, so they choose comfort instead of covenant.
They turn from purpose to pleasure. From creation to consumption. From discipline to distraction.
The result is a generation of men who no longer build. They drift. They take. They medicate their emptiness with screens, alcohol, pornography, or meaningless work. They avoid responsibility and call it freedom.
But freedom without meaning is hell.
The Anthropology of the Absent Father
No civilization has ever survived the death of fatherhood. Fathers are not optional. They are essential.
In every tribe and culture, initiation once marked the passage from boyhood to manhood. It was the moment a boy stopped living for himself and started living for others. He was taught to work, to protect, and to sacrifice. He was trained to suffer for a purpose greater than himself.
Today those rites are gone. Boys grow up addicted to pleasure and allergic to pain. They are told to chase self-expression, not self-mastery. They confuse attention with respect. They mistake validation for love.
When fathers vanish, chaos follows. When men fail to lead, someone else always will. Governments, ideologies, and influencers fill the void. But they cannot give what only a father can: identity, strength, and belonging.
Children without fathers grow up disconnected from purpose. They are statistically more likely to struggle with addiction, drop out of school, and end up in poverty or prison. But the deeper wound is unseen. They grow up without a map of what manhood even means.
The Cost of Running
Men say they are protecting themselves by avoiding marriage. What they are really doing is surrendering to fear.
They claim they do not need anyone. But the truth is, they do not trust anyone.
They fear betrayal. They fear losing freedom. They fear being responsible for someone else’s emotions. And they fear failing at what they were born to do: lead, protect, and build.
So they retreat. They hide behind the illusion of independence. They live for the weekend, the next woman, the next thrill. But deep down, they know it is all empty.
The man who never commits never grows. He may have control, but he will never have peace. He may chase pleasure, but he will never know purpose.
The truth is simple. Marriage and fatherhood are not traps. They are trials. And trials make men.
Marriage: The Covenant of Witness
In the film Shall We Dance?, Susan Sarandon’s character says, “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness.”
That line captures what marriage truly is. It is not a business deal. It is a sacred agreement to witness another soul for life. It says, “I will see you, even when the world does not. I will stand by you, even when it costs me everything.”
Marriage is the furnace where selfishness dies. It is the crucible where emotion becomes endurance. It is where love becomes a daily act of choosing another person’s good above your own.
When men reject that, they do not escape pain. They escape transformation. They forfeit the opportunity to become kings.
The Psychology of Avoidance
Men fear marriage because it exposes them. It mirrors their wounds.
If they were abandoned, they fear being left.
If they were criticized, they fear being inadequate.
If they were controlled, they fear losing autonomy.
The modern world feeds these fears. It tells men to medicate pain, not master it. It tells them to hide feelings instead of healing them. They scroll endlessly, numb themselves with noise, and avoid the quiet voice that says, “You were made for more.”
Avoidance becomes paralysis. The boy who avoids pain becomes the man who avoids purpose. The man who avoids purpose becomes the ghost who haunts his own life.
Healing begins when a man faces what he fears. When he stops running and starts carrying. Marriage and fatherhood are not the end of freedom. They are the beginning of responsibility. And responsibility is the birthplace of meaning.
The Story of Marcus
Marcus was like many men today. Successful on paper. Empty in reality. He told himself he did not need marriage or commitment. He said he wanted to stay free, but what he really wanted was to stay safe.
When Marcus came into coaching, he was restless, defensive, and skeptical. He carried pain from his parents’ divorce and resentment toward women who had used or rejected him. He was tired of giving and getting nothing in return.
We started by breaking the old narrative. I told him, “You are not a victim. You are a builder. You can stay angry or you can rise.”
We worked through the stories that had shaped him. The mother who shamed him. The father who never showed up. The women who mirrored his confusion. Through guided reflection, physical training, and spiritual work, Marcus began to reclaim his authority.
He learned that leadership was not control but consistency. He learned that masculinity was not aggression but direction. He learned that love was not submission but strength under discipline.
When he married, he brought vision, not fear. When he fathered, he led with peace, not pressure. He built a home where his wife felt safe and his children felt proud.
Marcus said, “Marriage did not cage me. It crowned me.”
The Cultural Reset We Need
If men are going to rise, women must also return to their essence. True femininity is not control, complaint, or competition. It is trust, grace, and refinement. It is the power to inspire strength through beauty, not to destroy it through bitterness.
The world needs women who draw out greatness, not guilt. It needs mothers who nurture, wives who believe, and daughters who respect. It needs women who remember that submission is not weakness. It is the highest form of partnership.
And the world needs men who are both good and good at being men. That is not the same thing.
Being a good man means being moral, honest, and kind. Being good at being a man means being capable, strong, and dangerous under control. A man who is good but weak is harmless. A man who is strong but immoral is destructive. A man who is both is unstoppable.
At Undisputed Mastery 2 – Reigning Champions, we teach this truth. It is where a man learns how to master both sides of his nature. How to be a protector who can also be a provider. How to be humble yet confident. How to be patient yet powerful.
A good man has principles. A great man lives them under pressure.
Reigning Champions is not theory. It is training. It is where a man becomes the kind of leader who can rule his life, his home, and his destiny with wisdom and strength.
The Path Forward
Week One
Write a personal mission statement for your home. Share it with your spouse. Begin daily prayer or meditation.
Week Two
Have one honest conversation about forgiveness and trust. Identify a habit that weakens your peace and replace it with one that strengthens it.
Week Three
Spend focused time with each child. Practice listening without correction. Speak one blessing over them every night.
Week Four
Reflect on your growth. Celebrate progress with your family. Choose one new act of service and lead by example.
The Outcome
Men who stop running become builders, not blamers. They stop chasing comfort and start creating culture. Their wives feel secure. Their children stand taller. Their homes become outposts of peace in a collapsing world.
Marriage and fatherhood do not weaken men. They forge them. The fragile man hides. The faithful man endures. The great man carries.
You are not called to escape. You are called to lead.
The Invitation
The world does not need more victims. It needs kings. Men who know who they are and live it with conviction.
At Undisputed Mastery Part One – Becoming Champions, we teach men to face themselves, break fear, and begin again.
At Undisputed Mastery Part Two – Reigning Champions, we teach men how to rule themselves, their homes, and their callings. It is where moral strength meets masculine competence. It is where men stop apologizing for power and start using it for good.
Three days of clarity, courage, and covenant.
Learn more at undisputedmastery.com.
Your time is now. Stand, carry, and reign.
References
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Blankenhorn, David. Life Without Father. HarperCollins, 1995.
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Harvard Study of Adult Development, 1938 to present.
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Pew Research Center, “Decline of Marriage and Rise of Cohabitation,” 2023.
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Line from Shall We Dance? (2004).
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Data on father absence and male mental health from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2022.
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Three decades of direct coaching experience in masculine development, covenant marriage, and family leadership.