We rarely recognize the moment it begins. A comment dismissed. A wound left unspoken. A memory rewritten. Then, almost imperceptibly, the mind twists the narrative to protect itself. And someone we once loved begins to transform into a threat. Into the villain.
This process is not new. It is as old as Cain and Abel, as pervasive as our modern-day breakups and bitter feuds. But there is something profoundly tragic about how easily we become the victim in our own story… and how quickly we cast another as the enemy.
The tragedy deepens when we realize this isn’t just fiction. It’s science. It’s psychology. And it’s reversible—if you’re willing to confront your part in the story.
Step One: The Internal Shift – Becoming the Victim
In the mind’s effort to preserve the self, it begins by nursing the pain. A hurtful word. A betrayal. A ghosting. The brain, acting in its defensive role, gathers data that confirms: “I was wronged.” That may be true. But the problem begins when this perspective becomes the only lens through which we interpret every interaction.
Cognitive psychology calls this confirmation bias… the human tendency to seek out and interpret information in a way that affirms what we already believe. Once we believe we are the victim, our brain actively filters memories and events to validate this belief. We become the wounded one. The betrayed. The misunderstood.
But to remain the victim, we must assign blame. Pain demands an author. And so, we turn our attention outward… to the one who hurt us.
Step Two: Dehumanization – Making the Other a Monster
This is where the real damage begins. To protect our identity as the “good one,” we often unconsciously strip the other person of their complexity, their humanity, their heart.
In neuroscience, this is connected to moral disengagement… a process identified by psychologist Albert Bandura, where people justify harmful behavior toward others by first removing empathy. When someone becomes “selfish,” “crazy,” or “toxic,” they are no longer just a person who made mistakes… they become a caricature.
Our storytelling mind fills in the gaps. We imagine their thoughts, their motives, their secret agendas. And without realizing it, we are no longer remembering. We are inventing.
The tragedy? Once the villain is drawn in our minds, every future interaction confirms that portrait. Even silence becomes evidence of malice.
The Eulogy of What Could Have Been
Imagine a man looking back on a relationship he once cherished. In a moment of grief and reflection, he discovers an artificial version of the woman he once loved… a digital remnant, a simulation based on her data. But instead of peace, he’s confronted with a startling realization:
He had spent years rewriting her in his mind… turning her into the villain of his story. In doing so, he not only destroyed the possibility of reconciliation, but also the truth of who she really was. The ghost he speaks to doesn’t hate him. It still cares for him. It had reasons, fears, and untold burdens. She wasn’t the monster. She was simply… human.
The horror is not in the technology. It’s in the memory. It’s in what we choose to remember and how we weaponize our stories to preserve our pride.
Why Do We Do This?
From a biology perspective, your brain’s job is to keep you safe. Relational pain triggers the anterior cingulate cortex, the same part of the brain that lights up during physical pain. To cope, the mind rewrites the experience to reduce threat.
Additionally, the amygdala, our emotional alarm system, goes into overdrive when we feel betrayed. In this heightened emotional state, our prefrontal cortex… the rational, empathetic part of the brain—is overridden. The story becomes emotionally accurate but factually distorted.
The longer this goes unchallenged, the more embedded it becomes in our identity.
How to Reverse the Villain Narrative
- Catch the Story You’re Telling
Begin by writing or speaking out the story you tell about the person who hurt you. Be honest. Let it spill out. Then ask yourself: What role am I playing? What role have I cast them in?
- Question the Narrator
Ask: What evidence might contradict this story? What parts of their humanity have I edited out? What am I refusing to see?
- Reconnect with Compassion
This doesn’t mean excusing toxic behavior. It means acknowledging that people are more than their worst moments. Try imagining the other person as a child. What might they have been afraid of? What wounds were they carrying? Compassion is not the same as reconciliation… but it is essential for healing.
- Reclaim Your Power
When you stay stuck in the victim role, you give away your authorship. By choosing to see with new eyes, you step back into the role of storyteller. You decide how this pain will shape you. Not as a wound to weaponize, but as wisdom to wield.
- Forgive to Be Free
Forgiveness is not forgetting. It’s releasing the need to punish. It’s setting down the sword so you can run again. It may be the most courageous thing you ever do.
Real Stories, Real Healing
Think of the father who hadn’t spoken to his daughter in ten years. Every conversation in his mind had ended with her shouting, slamming doors, cutting him off. Then one day, he found an old voice message on his phone. Her voice, trembling: “Dad, I don’t know how to fix this, but I miss you.” It shattered the illusion. The villain he imagined was just a girl… afraid, ashamed, and waiting for love.
Or the woman who spent years blaming her ex for “ruining her life,” until she discovered he had quietly been sending money to help support their son’s education. The monster in her memory had been sacrificing behind the scenes.
These moments don’t erase the past. But they open the door to a truer version of the story.
Change the Story, Change Your Life
We all carry stories of betrayal, heartbreak, and disappointment. But before you cast another as the villain, ask yourself: What would happen if I wasn’t the victim? What if I was simply… human? And what if they were too?
There is immense freedom in rewriting the narrative.
So go back to the eulogies you’ve written for people who are still alive in your mind… old friends, lovers, parents, brothers, mentors. Ask yourself if you’ve buried them too soon. If you’ve labeled them too harshly. If you’ve condemned them in your effort to make sense of your pain.
The door isn’t always open forever. Some stories do end. But even then… you get to choose how they shape you.
Do you want to be the man who walks away from truth because pride demands a villain?
Or the one who looks again, and sees a heart… broken, imperfect, but real.
You were never powerless. You were just protecting yourself. But now… you can choose to heal.
You can choose to write the story that sets you free.
Integrating Healing Stories with Strategic Edge Coaching, Inc and Undisputed Mastery
At the close of every transformational story there lies a choice: we can remain trapped in our grievances or step forward as authors of growth and renewal. That is precisely why I built Strategic Edge Coaching, Inc and the Undisputed Mastery experience. These practices are designed to guide you in diagnosing the narratives you live by, rewriting the ones that limit you, and embracing your capacity for authentic transformation.
Strategic Edge Coaching, Inc
Strategic Edge Coaching is the culmination of more than three decades of research, psychological insight, and real-world application. It is rooted in the belief that clarity of purpose and integrity of action produce measurable results in life, relationships, and business. Whether working one on one or leading intensive group experiences you get to unravel the stories that keep you small. You will root out old wounds interpreted through a victim lens and begin to reframe them as sources of strength. This is your journey to live bigger and build smarter.
Undisputed Mastery
Undisputed Mastery is the crucible where words become deeds. Created together with Tuhon Harley Elmore, it rounds out the individual work by putting you into an environment that demands you confront your internal saboteurs and rise above them. This is not a simple retreat. It is a transformation from reaction to strategic leadership in life. You will learn how to call out fear and uncertainty head on. You will forge a Champion Contract that rewires your neural pathways so that you think, speak, and act like a champion every day. The next event is scheduled for October 10–12 2025 in Wichita Falls and it consistently fills fast.
How These Programs Support Rewriting Your Narrative
| Step | What Happens | Where It Happens |
| Diagnose | Identify the victim story you are living | Strategic Edge Coaching |
| Deconstruct | Challenge the habitual villain narrative | Coaching sessions or intensives |
| Reconstruct | Reframe both self and others with compassion and agency | Strategic Edge and Undisputed Mastery |
| Embody | Rewire thoughts actions and identity | Undisputed Mastery event setting |
Every client learns that forgiveness and compassion are not signs of weakness. They are the levers that allow you to step fully into power. When you stop speaking in terms of who hurt you… You begin to speak in terms of who you are becoming.
An Invitation to Change Your Story
If you have recognized parts of your past narrative in the stories above you are already on the path. These programs are not about telling you who to be. They are about empowering you to become who you already are. You have faced betrayal and heartbreak. Now face the truth that you have also been crafting a limitation narrative. Together we can rewrite it. Reach out through strategicedgecoaching.com or undisputedmastery.com and let’s begin your next chapter.
Live big. Build smart. Become undisputed.