Walking with Grief – by Dr. Keith M. Waggoner
The Honorable Way to Live with Loss and Death
There are moments in life when the air changes. A diagnosis is spoken. A phone call comes at the wrong hour. A door closes that will not reopen. The world does not stop, yet everything feels different.
Loss rearranges reality.
In those moments, grief enters the room. And once it enters, it does not leave.
Most people are taught that grief is something to move through and eventually leave behind. We speak of closure as if sorrow has an expiration date. We imply that strength means distance from pain and that emotional health requires finishing the process neatly.
Experience teaches something far different.
Grief is not something you get over. It is something you learn to carry. And the way you carry it will either shrink your life or deepen it.
As I often tell my clients, “Grief is the receipt for love. If it hurts, it mattered.”
Pain proves attachment. It proves meaning. It proves that something shaped you.
The question is not how to eliminate grief. The question is how to walk with it honorably.
Understanding the Movements of Grief
Our modern framework for grief is largely shaped by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and her book On Death and Dying. She described denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance as common responses to loss.
These stages have often been treated like a staircase. People assume that once they reach acceptance, grief should no longer return.
Real life is not linear.
The stages are recurring movements of the heart. Denial protects us from shock. Anger shields us from helplessness. Bargaining attempts to regain control. Depression slows us down long enough to absorb reality. Acceptance steadies us in truth.
You may reach acceptance and still revisit anger on an anniversary. You may process a loss deeply and then find fresh waves of sorrow when another life transition echoes the original wound. Physical decline, relational strain, emotional fatigue, even spiritual dryness can reawaken grief.
Returning to a stage does not mean you are broken. It means grief is layered.
Gary Roe writes in Grief Walk that grief is not a tidy progression but a journey with “twists and turns, forward steps and backward steps.” He emphasizes that grief has no fixed timetable and that comparing your process to someone else’s only increases suffering.
That insight alone relieves enormous pressure. You are not malfunctioning because grief revisits you. You are responding as a human being to love and loss.
The Cultural Pressure to Finish Grieving
Modern culture is uncomfortable with prolonged sorrow. We admire resilience and productivity. We subtly reward emotional efficiency. When grief lingers, people begin to question their stability.
Gary Roe warns against this in Grief Walk, reminding readers that grief is a reflection of the depth of connection. The greater the love, the deeper the ache. Attempting to rush grief often drives it underground, where it resurfaces as anxiety, irritability, exhaustion, or detachment.
The problem is not grief itself. The problem is the belief that grief should be gone by now.
C.S. Lewis faced this directly after the death of his wife. In A Grief Observed he wrote with raw honesty, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” He did not sanitize his sorrow. He did not rush himself toward spiritual platitudes. He documented the confusion, the anger, the doubt, the disorientation.
Lewis shows us something critical: grief does not eliminate faith. It tests and deepens it.
His reflections reveal that grief is not a sign of spiritual weakness. It is part of loving deeply in a temporary world.
The Thorn That Remains
In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul the Apostle describes a thorn in the flesh that he asked God to remove. Three times he pleaded for relief. The answer he received was not removal but grace. The thorn remained.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Paul carried something that was not taken away.
Grief often functions in similar fashion. Some losses are not erased. They become permanent threads in the fabric of your identity.
Gary Roe speaks of grief as something you “learn to live with rather than live without.” That is a powerful distinction. The goal is not subtraction. It is integration.
You can resent the thread, or you can allow it to strengthen the weave.
When integrated, grief deepens compassion. It tempers pride. It clarifies priorities. It matures perspective. The person who has walked with grief often carries a steadiness that cannot be manufactured by success alone.
As I often say, “We do not get over grief. We grow with it.”
The Many Forms of Grief
Grief is not confined to funerals.
There is grief for lost dreams.
Grief for broken marriages.
Grief for childhood wounds.
Grief for physical abilities that fade.
Grief for estranged relationships.
Grief for innocence lost.
Lewis noted how grief reshaped his perception of reality itself. He described feeling as though the world had become unreliable, as if even ordinary routines had shifted. That experience mirrors what many feel after significant loss. The external world continues, yet internally everything feels altered.
Naming these losses prevents them from hardening into bitterness.
Unacknowledged grief calcifies. Acknowledged grief softens.
Mortality as Clarifier
Psalm 90 offers a prayer of profound wisdom: “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”
When you accept that life is temporary, your priorities sharpen. Petty conflicts lose weight. Ego-driven pursuits lose appeal. Relationships become sacred.
Lewis observed that grief exposes the depth of our attachment and our illusion of permanence. Roe echoes this by reminding readers that grief connects us to love and memory rather than disconnecting us from them.
Mortality does not exist to depress you. It exists to clarify you.
When you understand that every embrace is temporary, you hold tighter. When you know that conversations may not repeat, you listen more carefully. When you accept that you will one day die, you become more deliberate about how you live.
Grief keeps that awareness close.
Walking With Grief Well
Walking with grief well requires intentional choices.
First, identify where you are emotionally. Are you absorbing shock? Feeling anger? Wrestling with what might have been? Experiencing heavy sadness? Resting in acceptance but still tender? Naming your stage reduces confusion.
Second, remove the expectation of permanence from any one stage. Emotional intensity fluctuates with life cycles, stress levels, health changes, and relational shifts. Revisiting sorrow does not mean regression.
Third, integrate grief into your identity without allowing it to dominate your story. You can say, “This loss shaped me,” without allowing it to define your entire existence.
Fourth, allow grief to refine your decisions. Let it teach you what matters. Let it sharpen your integrity. Let it deepen your empathy.
Gary Roe reminds readers that grief can become a companion that gently reminds us of what we value most. Lewis demonstrates that grief can coexist with faith and even refine it.
Finally, honor what was lost. Ritual, remembrance, prayer, journaling, and honest conversation keep love alive without imprisoning you in the past.
There is dignity in carrying grief with steadiness.
The Honorable Companion
Grief will walk beside you in varying intensities throughout your life. Some seasons it whispers. Other seasons it presses heavily against your chest. Each time it surfaces, it invites you to remember what mattered.
Walking with grief is not surrendering to despair. It is choosing depth over denial.
You do not conquer grief. You steward it.
You do not silence it. You learn from it.
You do not get over it. You grow because of it.
Life is temporary. That truth is not meant to crush you. It is meant to awaken you.
When you carry grief with honor, you honor both what was lost and the life that remains.
That is strength.
That is maturity.
That is the honorable way to live with loss and death.
Suggested Reading
- Grief Walk by Gary Roe
• A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis
• On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kübler Ross
• Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
• The Problem of Pain by C. S. Lewis
A Practical Guide for Walking with Grief
Understanding grief is important. Walking with it well requires practice. If grief is going to remain a companion throughout your life, then you need a way to recognize where you are and how to move forward with strength rather than confusion. The following guide is designed to help you diagnose your current experience of grief and respond in a way that honors what was lost while strengthening how you live.
How to Walk with Grief Well
A Step by Step Guide
- Name the Loss Clearly
Start with clarity. What exactly was lost
Say it in a single sentence.
I lost my father.
I lost my marriage.
I lost my health.
I lost the future I imagined.
Then go deeper.
What did this person or season provide
What part of your identity was tied to it
What future feels different now
Clarity reduces confusion. When you name the loss honestly, you remove the fog and begin walking on solid ground.
- Identify the Stage You Are Experiencing Today
Grief moves in patterns. It does not move in straight lines. Ask yourself which movement feels strongest right now.
Denial
You feel numb or disconnected. It still does not feel real.
Anger
You feel frustrated, irritated, or outraged. Something feels unfair.
Bargaining
You replay scenarios in your mind. You think about what could have been different.
Depression
You feel heavy, slow, unmotivated, or emotionally drained.
Acceptance
You are facing reality. It still hurts, but you are living forward.
Do not judge the stage. Simply recognize it. Awareness stabilizes you.
- Separate Grief from Shame
There is a difference between grieving and believing you should not be grieving.
Primary grief is the pain of the loss.
Secondary suffering is the belief that something is wrong with you for still feeling it.
Remind yourself:
It makes sense that this hurts.
It makes sense that certain days are harder.
It makes sense that this returns in waves.
Remove shame. Grief is evidence of love.
- Identify What Is Intensifying the Grief
Grief can grow louder because of life circumstances. Ask yourself what else is happening.
Are you exhausted
Are you under financial pressure
Is there relational conflict
Is it an anniversary or meaningful date
Are you isolated
Sometimes grief feels overwhelming because other stressors are amplifying it. When you identify the intensifier, you gain leverage.
- Respond to the Stage with the Right Action
Different stages require different responses.
If you feel numb, focus on grounding and reality. Speak facts out loud. Journal the timeline. Let yourself absorb the truth gradually.
If you feel angry, give yourself space to express what feels unjust. Talk to someone safe. Move your body. Name the violation honestly.
If you are bargaining, notice the what if loop. Gently remind yourself what cannot be changed.
If you feel heavy or depressed, reduce isolation. Add simple structure to your day. Prioritize sleep, movement, and conversation.
If you are in acceptance, focus on integration. Ask how this loss is shaping your priorities and values now.
Match your action to your stage.
- Create a Grief Ritual That Honors What Was Lost
Grief becomes honorable when it is acknowledged.
Write a letter to the person or season that ended.
Visit a meaningful place.
Light a candle on significant dates.
Share one story about what they meant to you.
Give in their honor.
Pray. Reflect. Remember.
Honoring keeps love alive without trapping you in the past.
- Anchor Yourself Each Week
Choose three simple anchors for stability.
One relational anchor. Have one honest conversation each week.
One physical anchor. Prioritize sleep, hydration, and movement.
One spiritual anchor. Read Scripture, pray, or sit quietly and reflect.
Grief carried alone becomes heavier. Grief carried with structure becomes steadier.
- Know When to Seek Deeper Support
Grief is normal. Certain patterns require additional help.
If you are unable to function at work or home
If substance use is increasing
If you feel persistent hopelessness
If thoughts of self harm arise
If trauma from the loss feels overwhelming
Seek professional care. Strength includes asking for help.
- Let Grief Refine You
Ask yourself one final question.
What is this grief teaching me about love, time, and what matters most
Grief can harden you. It can also deepen you. The choice lies in whether you fight it or walk with it.
You do not get over grief. You grow with it.
And when you carry it with honor, you honor both what was lost and the life you still have to live.