Happy V.D.
Why Valentine’s Day Might Save Your Relationship
We need to talk about VD.
And I am not talking about venereal disease.
I am talking about Valentine’s Day.
But now that I have your attention, let’s deal with the real issue.
Most couples are not collapsing for lack of love.
They are collapsing for lack of intention.
Lack of structure.
Lack of pursuit.
Connection is not lost because affection disappears.
It is lost because couples stop doing the things that keep love alive.
They stop tending what they vowed to build.
And here is the answer.
The best relationships in the world stay in love because they choose to.
They plan their intimacy.
They schedule their romance.
They create daily connection and weekly pursuit.
They decide to be lovers, not roommates.
The fire stays alive when the logs are stacked on purpose.
Dr. John Gottman, the leading researcher in marriage stability, says:
“Successful couples are intentional. They turn toward each other, not away.”
— John Gottman, Ph.D.
Intention fuels connection.
Attention creates attraction.
Structure protects passion.
You drift when you stop designing the relationship you want.
The Real Reason Romance Fades
Romance does not die in a single moment.
It dies in small decisions that seem harmless at the time.
The decision to stop touching in the hallway.
The decision to talk only about schedules, not hearts.
The decision to let exhaustion replace connection.
The decision to avoid the conversation that would actually heal things.
Gottman calls these moments “sliding door opportunities” where small bids for connection are either honored or ignored.
And over time, ignored bids become emotional distance.
Psychologist Sue Johnson puts it bluntly:
“We are bonding mammals. We do not thrive on distance.”
— Dr. Sue Johnson, Author of Hold Me Tight
Your marriage is not struggling because you are incompatible.
It is struggling because you stopped being intentional.
And Valentine’s Day is the yearly alarm clock that says:
Wake up.
Return.
Pursue again.
The Counterintuitive Secret of Great Lovers
People think romance thrives on spontaneity.
It does not.
Romance thrives on structure.
Here is the truth no one tells young couples:
The best marriages are planned.
The best intimacy is prepared.
The best passion is cultivated.
Esther Perel wrote:
“Desire doesn’t live in the same house as repetition. It must be fed intentionally.”
— Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
You cannot rely on random moments of passion.
You must create the environment where passion can breathe.
This means:
Planning dates.
Scheduling connection.
Designing weekly romance rituals.
Structuring your life so love does not get the leftovers.
The emotion will follow the intention.
The passion will follow the practice.
The energy will follow the identity.
This is why I tell couples:
“If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail. Even your intimacy must be designed.”
— Dr. Keith Waggoner
Identity Determines Intimacy
You cannot separate the “who” from the “do.”
Your actions will always align with the identity you choose.
If you say, “I am not romantic,” you will live that identity out with precision.
If you say, “I am a Romantic,” your behavior will begin to catch up with your declaration.
Identity precedes action.
Action reinforces identity.
If you want a legendary marriage, you have to become the kind of person who cultivates one.
Write love notes.
Plan surprise touches.
Buy a massage table and turn your bedroom into an intentional oasis once a week.
Create the environment your relationship deserves.
Give romance a place to live.
What Great Couples Actually Do
The couples who stay in love for a lifetime do not rely on chemistry.
They rely on consistent, purposeful pursuit.
They:
• Date weekly
• Touch daily
• Talk deeply
• Laugh often
• Resolve conflicts gently
• Plan intimacy
• Schedule connection
• Create shared rituals
• Share dreams out loud
• Protect time together
• Keep learning each other’s heart
Gary Thomas says:
“A good marriage is not something you find. It is something you make, and it is built on decisions, not emotions.”
— Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage
Your heart stays alive where you invest your energy.
Your passion stays alive where you commit your attention.
Your marriage stays alive where you build intentional rhythms of closeness.
And this is where Valentine’s Day becomes powerful.
It calls you back to the design.
It says, “Remember. Pursue. Do what lovers do.”
Three Moves That Bring Romance Back to Life
1. The Pursuit Move
Every week, initiate one romantic act.
Not because you feel like it.
Because you choose it.
Examples:
• A handwritten note.
• A ten second kiss.
• A slow embrace in the kitchen.
• A question that touches their heart.
“Pursuit is the proof of value.”
— Dr. Keith Waggoner
DARE:
Choose one pursuit ritual and do it for thirty days.
2. The Sacred Hour
One hour.
No phones.
No screens.
No children.
Just you and the person you vowed to love.
Talk.
Touch.
Dream.
Laugh.
Tell the truth.
Ask deeper questions.
Let your guard down.
This one hour will do more for your connection than any date night without intention.
DARE:
Schedule your Sacred Hour this week and protect it like a covenant.
3. The Courageous Conversation
Every couple has unfinished business.
A hurt.
A disappointment.
A misunderstood moment.
You cannot create passion where resentment is hiding.
Gottman says:
“Avoiding conflict leads to emotional disconnection. Repair is the real secret of love.”
The courageous conversation is your willingness to say:
“I want closeness more than comfort.”
DARE:
Ask your spouse:
“What do you need me to hear that I have not been hearing?”
Then listen without defense.
Why Valentine’s Day Still Matters
It is not about chocolate, roses, or overpriced dinners.
It is about remembering.
Remembering that love must be built.
Remembering that intimacy must be designed.
Remembering that connection must be protected.
Valentine’s Day is the annual wake up call.
The nudge back toward pursuit.
The reminder that if you want a marriage filled with passion and depth, you must create the environment where that passion can live.
So yes…
Happy V.D.
Not venereal disease.
Valentine’s Day.
A day to choose each other again.
A day to rebuild.
A day to reignite the pursuit that started everything.
And if you want help building a relationship that thrives instead of drifts, reach out to me.
My coaching team and I are experts in helping couples reconnect, rebuild, and fall in love again on purpose.
Your marriage deserves that kind of care.
And you can begin today.
Recommended Reading & References
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work — John Gottman
• Hold Me Tight — Dr. Sue Johnson
• Mating in Captivity — Esther Perel
• Sacred Marriage — Gary Thomas
• Attached — Levine & Heller
• The Meaning of Marriage — Timothy Keller
• Love Sense — Sue Johnson
• Wired for Love — Stan Tatkin
• The Five Love Languages — Gary Chapman